Hello! Welcome to my page.
My name is Kaila Sharlene. This is me. This is how I look. No make-up, no filter.
For so many years, I’ve been hiding behind the letter K profile picture. I refuse to show myself to my clients.
I’ve been using an old photo on my website, Skype, Slack, and other communication platforms. I seldom show up on video conference and meetings because I don’t have the confidence. I have so many insecurities.
A few years ago, we’ve been on a TV show here in the Philippines featuring my son. There’s another girl in her twenties who’s also been featured together with her group. She is beautiful, petite, and has glowing skin.
I, on the other hand, was bashed because I said something which has been cut by the show so the statement wasn’t broadcasted in full. It became a controversial topic in the Philippine mountaineering community.
I was called fat, ugly, and they compared me to the other girl. I know I’m fat and I’m not beautiful but they went as far as editing my photo and made memes out of it. They said distressing words that couldn’t get away from my mind.
It hurts. My confidence went down the drain. It affected my ego. I’m still crying whenever I think about that incident.
Ever since that happened, I just want to hide. I turned down a lot of speaking opportunities and many TV guesting invitations because of that.
I’m afraid of having Skype or Zoom calls with my clients. Whenever they wanted to have a video call or conference, I always find ways to get away with it.
For almost 10 years that I’m freelancing, I’ve only been on less than 10 calls out of my hundreds of clients.
I am okay with email or chat but not with calls especially if with video.
People who know me couldn’t believe because I aced my English classes from elementary to college. I used to join debates, extemporaneous speech, oratorical, declamation, and all sort of speaking contests.
Heck, I even became a guest speaker several times on big events with thousands of audiences. I used to host birthday parties too when I was working in a famous fast-food chain here in the Philippines.
I was so good at public speaking. I have a very high confidence level before but I lost all of it now.
I keep asking myself, “Where did my confidence go?”
Thankfully, I managed to survive the freelancing world without having the need to communicate face-to-face with my clients. I just want to hide behind the camera.
Today, I will start to love myself… again! I will pick up my broken pieces. I will get my confidence back. No more hiding.
